I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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