I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
