just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'd cum for enchiladas.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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