I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
