My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
If You’re Hot, It’s Easier For You To Do These 27 Things
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
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Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.