I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
