i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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