i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
