is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
