I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
