you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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