foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
