I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
