I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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