i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
