Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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