Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I wish I only lived at night.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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