watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
