I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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