I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
