Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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