i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
