My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
