i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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