I think i peed on brittanys purse
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
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