his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
i now understand why vodka
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