i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
