1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
