So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
