proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
