you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
