i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
it was like having sex with a tree stump
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
