Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
so much tequila, so little girl.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
