I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
