I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
