I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
