I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
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I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
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Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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