when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
