You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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