I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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