We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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