the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
