so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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