I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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