There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i wish my penis had a tongue
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
