I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
We had to coat check the pizza.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
