Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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