If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
