my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Randomize
