Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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