My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
