WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
