Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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