The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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