I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
