i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Life is so much better after having sex.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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