What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
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