I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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