if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize