omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
