2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
BRING THE BAGELS
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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