so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
