so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
