It's a beautiful day for a hangover
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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